Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
