Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
