i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize