I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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