When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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