I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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