3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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