Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
