peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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