He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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