I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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