i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
