she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
