Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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