Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize