My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
