he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
