i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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