o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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