at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
