Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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