Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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