i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
