I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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