Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
only if we run a train.
done.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I want a musical about memes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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