Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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