Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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