i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
