I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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