Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
