I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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