Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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