The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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