Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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