dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
