i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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