I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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