You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
