i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He has the fingertips of a God
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