Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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