If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
