finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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