she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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