i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i think i have two assholes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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