he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
