I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she told me i tasted like america
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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