People in love make me want to vomit
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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