soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
