omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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