im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize