community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
