i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
