the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
