when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
