So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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