I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
