Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
