Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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