normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Terrible idea I love it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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