I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
