How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
