the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
