dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
