I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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