You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
