If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
