You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
