She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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