I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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