I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
