it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
