I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
