it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
