Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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